God Save The Next TOP MODEL

My favorite Top Model contestant, Danielle, took home the $100,000 modeling contract. All this despite annoying the judges with her sweet Arkansas accent. But that's cool, I like my Covergirls with a little sass anyways.

Contact your local congressman to see how you can get our new Top Model to work for your community!

Ruminations on America's Next Top Model 5.13.06

Well folks, this Wednesday is the season finale of Cycle 6 of America's Next Top Model, which means that Thursday whomever is crowned can begin her duties: fixing the deficit, ending poverty, getting New Orleans back on its feet, and taking fierce-ass photos. Here's how things look:

My wishes for ANTM:Danielle, Danielle, DANIELLE! But I will be just as excited if Joanie takes it, just as long as Jade gets gone in the first half hour (It's kind of an "anyone but Bush" situation, Jade you were fun as an adversary but your job is done)


How it will really go for ANTM:Joanie will win, deservedly so, she takes good photos, has a good walk and friggin' went through 12 straight hours of Dental surgery to get rid of that snaggle tooth. That's commitment.Danielle will place second due to the fact that Tyra and the gang are hellbent on making her lose her Southern accent. Sure, that's important for a Top Model, because one day she'll want to have a crappy talk show just like Tyra and you can't do that with a country twang (Tyra does it every day... without talent even!!)Jade will finally get her come-uppance and piss off Twiggy who will finally snap under pressure and bludgeon her to death with a clunky shoe.


Some parting words to the girls who had to immediately pack their bags and go home:
Sara: Nice try. Really! But your karma for stealing Joanie's poses is kinda steep. You're going to go back to that mall you were discovered in... and work there.
Furonda: I hope something comes of your experience because you had the best exit of any eliminated Top Model ever. And I kinda miss your tiara.
Nnenna: You're kind of an emotional mess and hiding a bitch persona. Lose it, work with your smile (warmth is great!!) and find the cure for cancer with your chemistry degree (seriously!! Modeling?)
Brooke: If only you could figure out how to mine that whole "so wrong you're right" look you have going on. Contact J Lo though, I think she needs models for her clothing line and you're a dead ringer.
Leslie: I can't believe it took that long for you to go, I must've dozed off. Fix that walk, MAMA'S FAMILY was funny but shouldn't be idolized as a posture.
Mollie Sue: I will light a candle every day until you get rediscovered. Smile a little more and come back little Sheba. At least as a special guest model next season, mmmkay?

Ruminations on America's Next Top Model 3.21.06

Since this is a decison that concerns ALL of America, I thought I'd help national diplomacy with some of my thoughts and concerns regarding this season's crop of future runway and print personalities.

THE GIRLS STILL IN THE RUNNING:

BROOKE - The judges keep labeling her "so wrong she's right". That's bound to backfire somewhere around episode 7 I predict.

DANIELLE - Beautiful and boojee. She's the type that gets Tyra to break face and stand and say "Girlfriend! You got a boootay! Wha Wha!

FURONDA - Say it with me, Fur-on-da. Did a smart thing by passing out a list of rules to the girls on how to act around her (my favorite, "The best person to discuss ME with is MYSELF"). Needs to stop wearing her fake tiara around the house before someone feeds it to her.

MOLLIE SUE - Like a baby Annie Lennox and I think it's high time that a double-name entered the fray.

GINA - Proof that Asian girls can't hold their liquor... wait, make that Asian girls with low self esteem.

LESLIE - Two episodes and I always forget that she's a contestant. Needs to blow out that Latin spice or just go home.

JADE - Every cycle has the girl that has to tell everyone "this is a competition and I came to win". This is that bitch. Pretty, yes. Humble, no. She wants a million, kitten and she's a soldier sistah... you better recognize. Take a good picture Jade or shut up.

JOANIE - Like a reverse Monet, she's weird from afar but nice up close. A plus.

NNENNA - No disrespect, but she has the best sob story of the bunch. Sent away from a father in Kenya she actually is humble (take a note Jade) and exudes real beauty thusly. And she got a bald make-over and can still work it.

KARI - Like a baby Brigette Bardot but she has the craziest lips I've ever seen. Seriously, like bat shit crazy not just crazy crazy.

SARA - Like a tall Scarlett Johanssen this found beauty (she was pulled out of a mall) actually has a the most potential to become the most important American of 2006 (not counting 36 Mafia or that cheerleader who fell on her head and still kept cheering).

GIRLS WHO HAD TO PACK THEIR BAGS AND LEAVE IMMEDIATELY:

KATHY - When the judges of America's Next Top Model keep focusing on your Southern twang and tell you to try hard to change it, they're being nice. They had no intention of ever making you America's Next Top Model.

WENDY - Girl, I feel for you. You escaped Hurricane Katrina to audition for ANTM. But at filming you still hadn't heard from your parents. Obviously you were going to be distracted. Go home, spend some time with your family and try again next season.

KEITH'S PREDICTIONS OF WHO WILL BE IN THE TOP THREE:

SARA
DANIELLE
MOLLIE SUE

wild card - NNENNA

Ooookaaaay, I've spent far too much time on this one. But you know, you can't put a price on being an informed person when it comes to such delicate American positions. I hope I have been helpful.